When John isn’t trying to oust members out of the society, he can be found trying to find ways of looking flash, making impossibly unwinnable bets and cracking great jokes. This city slicker is a formidable player, becoming the first member to win all three majors. Always in the running for the RTD, his feats are even more impressive considering he as only managed to play at 80% of his ability since 2011! Watch out for Mr Glass in the leading pack this year.
One of the founding members, no one has won more events in the RTD. Off a low handicap, this man competes most years, which given the amount of time he spends talking about/using sudocrem on his arse, is a real credit to him. Expect lots of sweaty arse and slow play chat on the course this year.
Honours: Race to Deal x 2 (biggest waterproof jacket and smallest eyes)
Craig has been a great addition to the society as a constant source of amusement (at his expense). From his boomerang drives to his choice in clothes, this man never fails to offer up material to the society’s piss-takers. Craig’s game has improved remarkably over the last 12 months and could be a contender in 2018. Watch out for him around the greens with his second hand Dunlop wedge. Despite his pykey club, he is deadly accurate. Little known fact for members is that Craig had a ‘man bun’ only two years ago and his farts are so vile, his Mrs brought him gas containment pants for Christmas. Enjoy.
Honour: He has none
I am not allowed to print his real name due to his job role - as a high profile rapist. When not asking for inappropriate massages, Neil can hit longer than most in the society. His game has improved since joining in 2015 and will be a real danger man if he can keep the ball straight off the tee. His minstrel like singing around the course is a joy, as well as the unrestrained laughter at anyone’s mistake.#metoo.
Honours: Captain and most calories consumed at the halfway hut.
Andy is a Jekyll and Hyde character. By day a respectable business/family man, by night, a drunken pest, tapping random girls on the head in nightclubs, accompanied with unbuttoned shirt and full on Giggsy chest wig. Andy is always a danger man on the course, but his ability to not turn up to five fixtures has denied him honours in the society. If he can get past the Mrs, he stands a real chance.
Honours: Best chest hair and most polite
Sam has the second lowest handicap in the society and the lowest temper threshold. Sam won the DTGS tour in 2015, but has not attended enough matches in the past seasons to compete in the main event. When he does attend, there are few who can keep up with him. Sam’s love of shit courses has also been a hindrance. If Sam can give up his love of wearing white woollen cricket tops in the height of summer, he will be a real danger.
Honours: Tour Champ and Euro Tunnel’s Twitter contributor of the year 2017
Matt may be the nicest bloke in the society, but he is still hated for the hardest quiz in history, held at Celtic Manor. Matt entered the society with a low handicap, but soon showed he was a bull-shitter as he came in last for most matches. With a revised handicap, he has competed in the RTD ’17 and had a good chance to win the title, but decided to attend a child’s party instead. Like so many, if he can attend the minimum required number of matches, he will be a contender. A great striker of the irons.
Honours: Most inappropriate dress for prize giving night.
What this man won’t bet on is little. Considering he is shacked up on the high seas with a container load of men for six months of the year, he’s pretty stable on the course. One of society’s low handicappers, he is steady in most events and a great addition to the society. Especially after losing Kev Marsden, as we have now replenished our OAP quota.
Honours: Most bets placed on a golfing holiday and most tech savvy.
John hates easy courses, as he plays shit. Get him on a Championship course and he tears it up like Tiger in his prime. Clemo must have drunk out of the wrong holy grail cup from Indiana Jones, as his youthful looks have deserted him, along with his endurance to stay up past 8pm when on tour. With the better standard of courses this year, Schurrle could be in with a shout.
Honours: DTGS Tour Champ 2017 and most pisses in one round
When not getting Liam bumped from the tour event, Jamie is a solid all-rounder on the course. Another low handicapper, Jamie competes in most matches he attends and will generally win longest drive. If Mazza can drag himself away from his gang of Irish tarmackers, he will be up at the top of the leader board.
Honours: Best Milk Tray polo neck jumper collection
Despite sorting himself out free illegal electricity and doing more cash jobs than his main job, Liam still has only two golf tops. Mr Smith has fallen back in love with golf and on his day can be unplayable. He could be a threat at this year’s tour.
Honours: Most money taken from John Boyd and most product endorsements
After his life story was played by Rowan Atkinson in Mr Bean, Luke has found a new confidence to speak in the last few years. A stalwart for attendance, Luke has regained form recently and will be hoping to compete this year. He will be disappointed that the longest drive has been scrapped in 2018, as he was regularly competing. It doesn’t look like the weight gain plan is going to pay off this year.
Honours: RTD Champion 2014 and best mime
Is it Chris’s year? Time will tell for the quarter master. With five RTD jacket wins, he is second in the all-time leader board. Having a new born and a wedding to plan, you can bet he will be at every match. His form has been patchy, but we all know he has it in his locker to go close. We look forward to the Tour, where no doubt, Butch’s David Brent dance skills will be on display in all its glory
Honours: Captain, best commentary and walkthrough of shots
As the DTGS money man, he is faultless with the club funds, but saying, that had to do little, to better his predecessor. We’ve not seen much of Dave over the last season, driven by him having to wash his Mrs’s tights. After a promising start in his rookie years, attendance has been his main obstacle. Watch out for him winding Butch up about Liverpool round the track.
Honours: Highway Man Trophy, Captain (and most skin)
After doing porridge and hanging himself for the murders of several young women, Fred has found golf helps keep his temper in check. He has made big advances in his skill level since joining the society. He will be looking to put in a pb this year.
Honours: Most kills
When Josh has time he will grace us with his presence, but in most instances, he can be seen playing with his real mates a few holes ahead. Wacka’s bitch on tour, there could be fireworks when his jealous lover Neil finds out what went on. On to the serious stuff, where Josh experiences tumultuous rounds. One minute top of the pile and then at the bottom. With his cup win last year, he will be looking to win the main prize
Honours: Highwayman Trophy and silliest car award
Local entrepreneur, James has a majority stake in the restaurant 81. He is also an accomplished photographer. You can find his portfolio of M25 traffic jam shots on Getty Images or any other reputable stock photo site. In terms of golfing ability, he appears to be one of those annoying people who may not play for years and then can compete at the drop of a hat. He could be the dark horse this year
Honours: Taller than Boydie
Les is new to the society, but he must be an unsavoury character to have Craig as a work colleague and friend. He should fit right in. What could be interesting for the rest of us is, if Les knows about the love triangle he is in with Luke and Craig. I’m informed it is Les’s ambition to be a Preston Cup winner, like his hero and idol – John Boyd
Honours: First ‘real’ engineer in the society
I like him the most, but then again, I have never met him
Second smallest in the society (after Boydie), Graham wasn’t born gifted with golf skills, but he makes up for it attendance and laws of probability. Most caps in the society, it shows that any old spaz can be successful. With a better sample of skilled players this year, G is going to find it hard to defend his title, but one thing he will win at is the après golf. Watch out - twinkle fingers are back!
Honours: RTD X 2 and Highway Man Trophy (best dressed)