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THE PLAYERS - 2018

JOHN ‘BULLY’ BOYD

When John isn’t trying to oust members out of the society, he can be found trying to find ways of looking flash, making impossibly unwinnable bets and cracking great jokes. This city slicker is a formidable player, becoming the first member to win all three majors. Always in the running for the RTD, his feats are even more impressive considering he as only managed to play at 80% of his ability since 2011! Watch out for Mr Glass in the leading pack this year.

Honours: RTD, Highwayman Trophy and Tour Champ (plus biggest mince)

DEAN ‘GANAM’ OLIVER

One of the founding members, no one has won more events in the RTD. Off a low handicap, this man competes most years, which given the amount of time he spends talking about/using sudocrem on his arse, is a real credit to him. Expect lots of sweaty arse and slow play chat on the course this year.


Honours: Race to Deal x 2 (biggest waterproof jacket and smallest eyes)


CRAIG (HOBO) COLLINS

Craig has been a great addition to the society as a constant source of amusement (at his expense). From his boomerang drives to his choice in clothes, this man never fails to offer up material to the society’s piss-takers. Craig’s game has improved remarkably over the last 12 months and could be a contender in 2018. Watch out for him around the greens with his second hand Dunlop wedge. Despite his pykey club, he is deadly accurate. Little known fact for members is that Craig had a ‘man bun’ only two years ago and his farts are so vile, his Mrs brought him gas containment pants for Christmas. Enjoy.

Honour:  He has none


NEIL ‘HARVEY’ WEINSTEIN – CAPTAIN

I am not allowed to print his real name due to his job role - as a high profile rapist. When not asking for inappropriate massages, Neil can hit longer than most in the society. His game has improved since joining in 2015 and will be a real danger man if he can keep the ball straight off the tee. His minstrel like singing around the course is a joy, as well as the unrestrained laughter at anyone’s mistake.#metoo.

Honours: Captain and most calories consumed at the halfway hut.


ANDY ‘FIVE HEAD’ BOLTON

Andy is a Jekyll and Hyde character. By day a respectable business/family man, by night, a drunken pest, tapping random girls on the head in nightclubs, accompanied with unbuttoned shirt and full on Giggsy chest wig. Andy is always a danger man on the course, but his ability to not turn up to five fixtures has denied him honours in the society. If he can get past the Mrs, he stands a real chance.

Honours: Best chest hair and most polite

SAM ‘HULK’ KILLIP

Sam has the second lowest handicap in the society and the lowest temper threshold. Sam won the DTGS tour in 2015, but has not attended enough matches in the past seasons to compete in the main event. When he does attend, there are few who can keep up with him. Sam’s love of shit courses has also been a hindrance. If Sam can give up his love of wearing white woollen cricket tops in the height of summer, he will be a real danger.

Honours: Tour Champ and Euro Tunnel’s Twitter contributor of the year 2017


MATT ‘TAFF’ THOMAS

Matt may be the nicest bloke in the society, but he is still hated for the hardest quiz in history, held at Celtic Manor. Matt entered the society with a low handicap, but soon showed he was a bull-shitter as he came in last for most matches. With a revised handicap, he has competed in the RTD ’17 and had a good chance to win the title, but decided to attend a child’s party instead. Like so many, if he can attend the minimum required number of matches, he will be a contender. A great striker of the irons.


Honours: Most inappropriate dress for prize giving night.

MARK ‘FUDGE’ WAKEFIELDD

What this man won’t bet on is little. Considering he is shacked up on the high seas with a container load of men for six months of the year, he’s pretty stable on the course. One of society’s low handicappers, he is steady in most events and a great addition to the society. Especially after losing Kev Marsden, as we have now replenished our OAP quota.


Honours: Most bets placed on a golfing holiday and most tech savvy.

JOHN ‘BABY FACE’ CLEMENTS

John hates easy courses, as he plays shit. Get him on a Championship course and he tears it up like Tiger in his prime. Clemo must have drunk out of the wrong holy grail cup from Indiana Jones, as his youthful looks have deserted him, along with his endurance to stay up past 8pm when on tour. With the better standard of courses this year, Schurrle could be in with a shout.

Honours: DTGS Tour Champ 2017 and most pisses in one round

JAMIE ‘JUDAS’ MARRIOTT

When not getting Liam bumped from the tour event, Jamie is a solid all-rounder on the course. Another low handicapper, Jamie competes in most matches he attends and will generally win longest drive. If Mazza can drag himself away from his gang of Irish tarmackers, he will be up at the top of the leader board.

Honours: Best Milk Tray polo neck jumper collection

LIAM ‘LYLE&SCOTT’ SMITH

Despite sorting himself out free illegal electricity and doing more cash jobs than his main job, Liam still has only two golf tops. Mr Smith has fallen back in love with golf and on his day can be unplayable. He could be a threat at this year’s tour.

Honours: Most money taken from John Boyd and most product endorsements

LUKE ‘NELL’ STOCKDALE

After his life story was played by Rowan Atkinson in Mr Bean, Luke has found a new confidence to speak in the last few years. A stalwart for attendance, Luke has regained form recently and will be hoping to compete this year. He will be disappointed that the longest drive has been scrapped in 2018, as he was regularly competing. It doesn’t look like the weight gain plan is going to pay off this year.

Honours: RTD Champion 2014 and best mime

CHRIS ‘SOUNDED NICE’ BAILEY

Is it Chris’s year? Time will tell for the quarter master. With five RTD jacket wins, he is second in the all-time leader board. Having a new born and a wedding to plan, you can bet he will be at every match. His form has been patchy, but we all know he has it in his locker to go close. We look forward to the Tour, where no doubt, Butch’s David Brent dance skills will be on display in all its glory

Honours: Captain,  best commentary and walkthrough of shots

DAVE ‘NO SHOW’ PERCIVAL

As the DTGS money man, he is faultless with the club funds, but saying, that had to do little, to better his predecessor. We’ve not seen much of Dave over the last season, driven by him having to wash his Mrs’s tights. After a promising start in his rookie years, attendance has been his main obstacle. Watch out for him winding Butch up about Liverpool round the track.

Honours: Highway Man Trophy, Captain (and most skin)

PETE ‘FRED’ WEST

After doing porridge and hanging himself for the murders of several young women, Fred has found golf helps keep his temper in check. He has made big advances in his skill level since joining the society. He will be looking to put in a pb this year.

Honours: Most kills


JOSH ‘PUB FRIENDS’ BLACKER

When Josh has time he will grace us with his presence, but in most instances, he can be seen playing with his real mates a few holes ahead. Wacka’s bitch on tour, there could be fireworks when his jealous lover Neil finds out what went on. On to the serious stuff, where Josh experiences tumultuous rounds. One minute top of the pile and then at the bottom. With his cup win last year, he will be looking to win the main prize

Honours: Highwayman Trophy and silliest car award

JAMES ‘M25’ ELLIS

Local entrepreneur, James has a majority stake in the restaurant 81. He is also an accomplished photographer. You can find his portfolio of  M25 traffic jam shots on Getty Images or any other reputable stock photo site. In terms of golfing ability, he appears to be one of those annoying people who may not play for years and then can compete at the drop of a hat. He could be the dark horse this year

Honours: Taller than Boydie

LES ‘ROOKIE’ DAVIES

Les is new to the society, but he must be an unsavoury character to have Craig as a work colleague and friend. He should fit right in. What could be interesting for the rest of us is, if Les knows about the love triangle he is in with Luke and Craig. I’m informed it is Les’s ambition to be a Preston Cup winner, like his hero and idol – John Boyd

Honours: First ‘real’ engineer in the society

CHRIS ETHERINGTON

I like him the most, but then again, I have never met him

GRAHAM ‘FRODO’ GRAVES

Second smallest in the society (after Boydie), Graham wasn’t born gifted with golf skills, but he makes up for it attendance and laws of probability. Most caps in the society, it shows that any old spaz can be successful. With a better sample of skilled players this year, G is going to find it hard to defend his title, but one thing he will win at is the après golf. Watch out - twinkle fingers are back!

Honours: RTD X 2 and Highway Man Trophy (best dressed)

THE PLAYERS - 2016

John Boyd

JB (as no one calls him), was the first player to win all three honours in the society. An original member, he especially loves the tour, as well a being the life and soul of the party. In 2018 we hope to see repeat of John being tea-bagged on the dance floor by an OAP. A consistant performer, he will be in the top 6.

HONOURS : Highwayman Trophy Winner 2013, Race To Deal Winner 2015 and DTGS Tour Champion 2016

Luke Stockdale

As well as his truimph in 2014, Luke also has the record for least words spoken by a human being. 

HONOURS : Race To Deal Winner 2014

Kev Marsden

Profile Kev has more clubs in his bag than Ted Bundy. The elder statesman of the group has proved to be a medical marvel by fathering a child at the ripe old age of 62. As we all know, there are 3 certainties in life….taxes, death and Kev failing to get out of a bunker. Great company on the course….when he’s not threatening to walk off it.

Neil Brinicombe

Happy Gilmore strikes fear into all those on any course he attends….mainly because they’re all in danger no mater where there are on the course when he grips and rips ….which is also his wanking technique. What he has in length, he lacks in accuracy, but when it all comes together, he has potential. Why he has a bed, rope and chloroform in the back of the “golf wagon” is beyond me, but I definitely don’t need a lift anywhere thanks.

Chris Bailey

Fat Razor Ruddock was the first ever DTGS Captain to fail to win the RTD during his tenure. Some would say he lacks bottle, but Butch will no doubt reference it was the stress, that has caused him to go incredibly grey, that ultimately was his downfall. Butch is a lover of any hideous golf clothing that makes him look like he turned up to school sports day without his kit and picked it out of the reject bin. Short arms. Short swing. Could be a threat if he avoids a meltdown.

Sam Killip

Sam is the stereotype ginger. Very angry, burns very easily and stinks of fox piss. When not taking selfie’s (gay), Sam plays ridiculously good golf and was the deserved inaugural winner of the Tour Championship held at The Belfry in 2015. Sam has a major etiquette problem, so playing with him is not a nice experience, especially when he is taking off his glove whilst you’re on your back swing. If Sam can avoid being such a stroppy woman and actually turn up, there is no doubt he will show us all, again. What a competent player he is….whilst burning our nostrils with his fox piss stench.

HONOURS : Tour Champion 2015

Dean Oliver

Having won the RTD in 2012, Dean has neither found the form (or the time) to compete for the main prize. Dean also suffers from Pluviophobia, the fear of rain - a fairly common anxiety disorder seen in kids and adults alike, which has an affect on appearances when the forecast is less than friendly. If Dean’s golf manages to be as entertaining as his insults, he may have a chance…..unless it rains.

HONOURS : Race To Deal Winner 2012

Graham Graves

Graham can often be found in dark corners of bars around Deal, usually in an ill fitting white shirt with a mute on his arm. When playing golf, Graham’s inexplicably high handicap has meant he is always there, or thereabouts, in all competitions come the end of the season. The purest will reference watching his robot swing as your eyes being raped by golf.

HONOURS : Race To Deal Winner 2013, Highwayman Trophy Winner 2014.

Pete West

Alone and later with his second wife, Rosemary – tortured and raped numerous young women and girls, murdering at least 12, including their own family members. Fred killed at least two people before collaborating with Rose, while Rose murdered Fred’s stepdaughter (his first wife’s biological daughter) when he was in prison for theft. The majority of the murders occurred between May 1973 and August 1979, in their homes at 25 Midland Road and later 25 Cromwell Street in Gloucester, with many bodies buried at or near these homes. Now he plays golf.

John Clements

Brilliant or terrible. Clemo’s game has improved massively over the last year, but when he is shit, he is really shit. When not blowing up on golf courses, Clemo spends time with Butch, planning their ridiculously gay shared calendar and selfishly plotting when DTGS events should be played. Clemo is a celebrity lookalike for Andre Schurrle, Tore Andre Flo and the late great Deidre Barlow. Clemo has the potential to go close this year.

David Percival (Captain)

His mates call him “Pence”….so that name doesn’t get used much. Our Captain of 2016 won his first major last season, winning the Highwayman Trophy and taking some big scalps on the way. David was once very fat, but gave that to Butch in exchange for golfing ability. Last season’s victory is proof (on both counts) that the exchange went well in David’s favour. A likeable bloke and a popular Captain for 2016. David will be a major threat this year.

HONOURS : Highwayman Trophy Winner 2015.

Liam Smith

Joop is hoping to finally win one of the Major’s this year, no more reason so that he will get an extra golf shirt as his prize, to go with the 2 blue Lyle & Scott ones he likes so much. 2015 was a traumatic year for Joop, with boat theft and casino failings just 2 of the 3 things he will probably wish to forget…..the other being The Ocean Rooms. If he turns up, he will have to try not to implode if he is going to compete. 

Andy Bolton 

A singer and songwriter, Bolton originally performed in the hard rock and heavy metal genres from the mid-1970s to the mid-1980s, both on his early solo albums and those he recorded as the frontman of the band Blackjack. He became better known for his series of rock pop ballads, recorded after a stylistic change in the late 1980s. Bolton’s achievements include selling more than 75 million records, recording eight top 10 albums and two number-one singles on the Billboard charts, as well as winning multiple American Music Awards and Grammy Awards. Now he plays golf.

Josh Blacker

Josh lives with his boyfriend in Kingsdown, not far from Mummy and Daddy, where there is no mobile signal. No signal at all. When not playing a good standard of golf or fellating his fella, Josh enjoys trying to coerce people into having a drink at The Rising Sun, as opposed to town, which in turn will leave everyone stranded and potential victims of his homosexual pursuits. Josh likes Brinners. He really does. So much so, he even tries to look like him….but he actually looks like a stretched Butch.

Matt Thomas

He is Welsh. Not proper Welsh, but he wears a Wales top and likes to be called Taff. He is as Welsh as Boydie is Scottish. Taff likes sheep. As a newcomer to the Society, Taff has been boasting about how good he is, and his handicap suggests some talent. Let’s hope those proud of their nationality send him packing with a leek up his arse. Could be a dark horse.